


(♥) PLEASE TELL ME WHAT IS RIGHT !

by tenderfirstlove



Category: Free!
Genre: Based on a Vocaloid Song, Cringe, Gen, yonjuunana - vocaloid song
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-10-22
Updated: 2017-12-29
Packaged: 2019-01-16 14:07:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,148
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12344208
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tenderfirstlove/pseuds/tenderfirstlove
Summary: ✴  : ❛  The boy everyone knows: His dreams, his love, and - reality.――Even so, he runs. For he must.  ❜





	1. [prologue]

I thought about how i wanted to live like, in the past. The sweet, dissolved fantasies from the past come back to imprint on my tongue and leave a bittersweet taste as i examine what has happened to me in the present.

 

Though, i wanted this. I wanted to live this idealistic life; an idol, a model, a singer. For all the cameras to adore me and all the kids and adults laying at my feet, the fans that loved me and wished for my attention, the curtains draping at my mere prescence. It was, for a while, all too new to me, it was exciting and sweet. None like what i'd experienced before. None, could compare to this sweet, sweet, dream-like life of mine...

But before i realised, it got boring, all too fast the changes piled up and it seemed as if i was merely just looking through a kaleidoscope of emotion and change. It seemed pretty, and amazing, wonderful, even. But i did not care for it at all. I was none the wiser when i got more independant and the stalkers and the raw, feasting eyes of the media were on me, like a looming dread over a foggy and misted island, full of debauchery and treachery. 

I've no clue what to do, a zero-sum game is where i'm at . A crossroad in my life where i have no choice to lead my own pathway. Between the troublesome success of my career  and the dread of the love-life which my manager had planned for me, i was miserable. I felt stuck and the only sense of freedom i had at the time was to walk alone at night. No make up, no dresses, no wigs, no dancing, no color pop music guiding my narrative. Just the real me, and only that. The side of me i'd never let anyone touch or coerse . 

 

I miss the quiet nights, sometimes. The lame anxious silences in-between the blaring sirens and fights over-heard from lovers in the next apartment door. I miss the little things, getting ready in the morning for school, hearing the kettle's shrill scream and the water finished boiling. These small, intricate and detailed things in my old life give me a sense of apathy now. I'll never hear those forgotten lover's fights, nor the shrills of the kettle, not even the unheard nor spoken conversations that happened miles away from when i was laying silently in my bed . All those conversations, desolate and forgotten like the childhood memories we once used to treasure and keep close to our hearts. 

 

May we never mend our minds, because without doubt we cannot claim our own success. No matter how big, or small they may be .


	2. [chapter one]

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> a perspective from the present.

 

He woke up, after another dreamless sleep. The fear within him consuming his every fortress of solitude in his mind, so he did the only thing he'd always done to avoid confrontation. 

Going outside, and walking aimlessly in the night. The cold biting at his cheeks and the tip of his ears as he was continously surrounded by his own adjusted image. His face, plastered on vending machines-advertising a zesty fruit drink and snacks nearby . Billboards and posters adoring his sweet, innocent face which projected and insisted, even, that the viewer should buy that dress or that shirt. He was only really interested in the fact that if anyone was even remotely interested what was behind the sweet angel given on the post cards and merchandise from his music videos and songs. Probably not, he wasn't good enough for anyone, in the end he couldn't help be but paranoid, after all he was an idol for all , and wondering the dark streets couldn't be any more anxiety inducing...

The only thing that scared him more than anything was having encountered his fans without any make-up, or special effects.  He'd be unrecognizeable to them, he'd be...alone. With no one to adore his face and role, he'd be left isolated. These horrible thoughts only made him more sad and add on to his melancholy , the irresistable realisation that no one is searching for the 'real' them, the 'real' face they wear and hold. Even though he wished desperately for this life, he also wanted to be loved for his own face, not some photoshoped and edited perfect replica ! He didn't want this.

But, he recognised how petty and selfish that seemed...for, wanting, all of that true validation and,applause. With this in mind, he could only beg for forgiveness from his long lost love, even if they spoke no longer, they just wished to be held in their arms once more... to feel, that real, true feelings of adoration and affection from someone real and genuine. Ai wished that he could just tell this to them, to just see them once more. Even , if he had to beg on his knees, he wanted to be famous and acclaimed so that he'd shine the brightest. So that his loved one will only recognise them and only them, but, all the editing and modificationss to his appearance...there's no doubt that there is no chance of him seeing his old lover again. Not in one crowd at his concerts or fan meet-ups. Not even on a poster.

He decided that sleep would be better than letting these useless thoughts eat him up inside..

.

.

.

  
The morning came swiftly, as did his appointment with another advertiser. ' Great... another job.. ', he thoughttiredly as his face was being powdered and his pink-haired manager prepped him on the meeting.  " Okay, so this time we'll need you to wear some angel wings and an outfit prepared for you from our last advertisement with CupidEx. Is that all right ? ", he questioned the younger idol. Aiichirou coughed and shoo'ed away the make-up artists before sighing and looking at his manager, " Yes, its all right.. ", he mumbled as he looked in the mirror, bright pink heart-bulbs framing the mirror as his dull eyes looked at himself. He got off the chiar after his manager left and asked for some privacy in changing. So he was left by himself. 

 

So he put on the angel, puffy, dress. ' And here i thought they liked women in women's clothes...guess i seem too neutral to fit into one type of clothing, or, something. ', he hummed as he zipped up the back with a bit of difficulty and put on the angel wings before calling someone in to help him. ' These wings... ' he remembered the old promise he made, funnily enough, these wings seem much heavier than back then... 

 


	3. [chapter two]

 

On the long awaited stage, an adoring light shimmered onto his face. It was strange how foreign this seemed to him, even though he'd been in this business for what seemed like forever..

 

Suddenly, the cameras started to roll and he couldn't even open his mouth to object to it. He can't help but inwardly snigger at the fact how his wings we're meant to be a representation of freedom and hope, quite the opposite of how he'd describe them now, hell, he couldn't even begin to doubt the faith in his career ! Like the dozens of times before. The director looks at him, awaiting his crystal words which spilled out of his mouth so openly.

 

" Before, I wasn't so used to going out of my comfort zone.. ", he trailed off, feeling completely detached from what he was saying and doing, turning to the ginger-haired boy beside him, " but now, I really do find that it's easier. ", the other boy looked down at him, taking one of his hands and putting theirs on aiichirou's waist, dipping him down low, before soon after leaning in, only to forget his line. Great, another bad shoot.  " Okay, okay , can we stop this ? ", the director shook his head, " Take two " . He only just nodded and patted the other on the back, " Maybe we should go over the scripts later.. ? ", he offered kindly before the other nodded eagerly, " It's a date ! ", to which he only flushed and gave out a small sigh. 

 

He'll take anything he can get. 

 

*

 

Afterwork, he and his newly found friend went to a near by cafe, " So uh, what did you do before this  ? ", Momotarou spoke up. " Nothing really, just.. stuff, i guess. It's nothing interesting like what you've done... i mean, starring in ' A centurian's dashing tale ' and ' Apartment 307 ' ? I'm way too boring for you. ", he shook his head.

The other just laughed a little, " Well, first of all, it's easy to audition in any old romance movie.. really, it is.  And besides, i bet you've done plenty of interesting things.. ",he trailed off, grabbing Aiichirou's hand. He looked down at their joined hands, not sure how to respond, he hadn't felt anyone's warmth like this i na while. It almost seemed to make him... nostalgic, somehow. Of how him and his lover went to the beach, and held hands in the blazing heat, school trips where they had to hide behind trees and shaded spots just to sneak in a few kisses.. it was, relaxing. Nice, comforting even. Until he pulled his hand away and apologized. " It's okay, really. I just, i- ", he stopped himself for a while, looking at the cafe's doors before pushing inside, " I haven't dated much, uhm, in a while. ", he finished his statement. 

 

" What ? How, uhm, you are , like, totally gorgeous ? Please tell me you're joking right now. This has to be a joke... ", Momo stared, bewildered, almost dramatically.  To which Aiichirou just gave a tiny giggle, " Really, my last date was after i  graduated. I...haven't really seen my ex since.. ", he mubled as he looked onto the cafe's menu, taking a seat.  " ... Well, i still think you're attractive and you are very much so welcome to hang out with me and maybe be your wingman, if needed. ", the orange-haired boy stated, puffing his chest proudly. " Thank you for the offer, but i thought you mentioned earlier that this was a date.. ? Unless you don't really want to do this anymore, haha ",Aiichirou said before calling one of the waitresses over and ordering a double strawberry sundae.  " I'm still here ! Ready to date, hopefully you. Maybe, soon.. ", Momotarou grinned . 

 

They spent a few minuted chatting before the sundae arrived, to which Aiichirou thanked the waitress and looked to his date, " Care to share this sundae with me, date ? ", to which Momotarou raised his eyebrows. " Oh yes i do indeed, partner. ", Aiichirou just laughed before pcking up a spoon and taking the first bite. It was a big sundae, with three dollops of icecream : chocolate, vanilla and mint, grazed with hazelnuts and whipped cream, topped off with sliced up strawberries all laying ontop of it for a final flourish. To say the least, it didn't take Momotarou any telling to shovel it in as fast as he could, almost as if the two were racing. 

 

* 

 

They walked out of the cafe, holding hands together as the cold nipped at their cheeks. " I.. uhm. Thanks for hanging out with me, i know it seems stupid but, i haven't had a good night like this in a while ", Aiichirou looked at Momotarou, hopefully.  The other boy blushed before giving a sheepish expression, " It's no problem at all ! Uh, i'm just glad that you enjoyed yourself.. ",he looked back to the silver-haired one, leaning in closer, puffs of hot breath clearly visible in the light of the lamp-posts and the cafe's display.   It was as clear as the moon's light itself, the coldness of his lips suddenly turned into a pure, molten sense. His eyes fluttering shut and hands squeezing the other boy's. The only thing they could focus on was them and their tongues dancing insistently. 

 

The next moment he knew, he was in a taxi, being driven to probably Momotarou's house, lips never fully leaving eachother, always touching skin. In just what seemed like a desperately outstreched amount of time, they arrived, and the other unlocked the front door, going inside and slamming it shut. It was a few seconds before they shook off their coats and shoes, momentarily sharing a gentle kiss before they headed into the bedroom. Momotarou sat on his bed and getly pulled him into his lap, " I knew you were going to look delicious in this state from the moment i saw you. ", he whispered gently against Aiichirou's lips, " I knew i wanted to make a mess of you- ",he murmured, his hands giding under his shirt seamlessly, exploring uncharted areas they'd never met beforehand. 

His own face flushed a cherry red, " I- uhm, I don't-- ",he stammered as he looked at Momotarou's face, it didn't seem forceful or distrustful at all, all he felt and saw was compassion and a raw feeling. It made him feel guilty. " I...i'm sorry i just, i can't. ", he looked down. He was so horrible, leading the other boy on like a puppy, what the hell was wrong with him anyway ? Honestly he should've never said anything-

 

A gentle touch, on his back. Looking at the other he was thankful he understood. " Well, if i haven't quite captured your heart i don't blame you, usually it takes me a while to win over a princess. ",he hummed as he kissed Aiichirou's cheek, " I do hope i haven't upset you although ", he laid down, dragging the other with him. " What a bummer, i really did want to do it with you, you're very cute.. " , he sighed, " but alas, if not today, then probably soon. And i don't mind waiting, we can still be friends though,right ? " . Aiichirou nodded silently, hugging the other, " Sure, i don't mind, but it's going to be weird. ", he argued lightly to which Momo just hugged him closer and shrugged.  He didn't really know what to do now, so after a while he just stood up and excused himself, saying how he'd see him later on, probably tomorrow. 


	4. [ chapter three ]

After he returned home, he kicked off his shoes and undressed as fast as he could, simply leaving his clothes on the ground, reminding himself to pick them up and take care of them the next day. By the time he'd caught the bullet train and arrived at his apartment it was already dark so he quicly brushed his teeth and put on a loose shirt and a new pair of boxers, he practically jumped onto his bed and turned off the lights to try and fall asleep.

 

Hours passed by, and when he got up to check his phone it was around 2 am, so he got up - defeated at his attempt to catch some sleep - and headed over to the fridge, grabbing for a few snacks and a bottle wine he'd gotten for a present from a friend, sitting back down onto his bed, he got a small box from under his bed before crawling under the covers and looking through the contents, old letters from high school, and even college surprisingly,  which were exchanged between him and an old sweetheart from then. He smiled at the clear affection that seeped out of them, reading them over carefully as he drank and stuffed himself aimlessly. 

 

Ah, here it was. The last letter he got back, and never replied to.. 

 

" Dear Ai, I wish you could write to me more often now... i know that you're busy with school but, i really wanted to get a reply.  I really do love you so please, can you just write back ?  ...I guess that sounded a bit desperate or something but, i really miss you, and i can't help it. I know i should be really happy for you but, i don't know, it's stupid, whatever. Just write me back when you see this , will you ?  Yours forever, Sou . "

He surprised himself with the tears as he wiped his eyes and looked down to the short note. Quietly whispering, " I guess i should've expected less... He already moved on anyway, haha.. ", he looked away and out the window, " ... maybe, i can still...have a chance. ", he contemplated to thinking about the new people he'd just met, he could totally score someone , right ? ... Maybe not, after all if he was this easy to cry over a stupid letter how could he stand a single night of sex with someone else ? It doesn;t matter, as soon as he closed his eyes he found himself dreaming of how he didn't think of what he was signing up for at all with this career. 

 

*

 

The next morning he found himself with a punding headache and a mess on the floor and bed.

With a sigh he got up and rubbed his face, standing up to shower and dress, brushing his teeth, grabbing a bag and his phone off the floor and charger before leaving and popping in his ear buds. He found himself listening to an english top 40 charts, strangely they had good music taste, sometimes... His way to work was quite pleasant compared to other mornings where he was pestered, or even groped in such a confined space. 

 

Aiichirou stood infront of his filming crew only a few moments after, getting powdered and changed before shooting another scene, he acted in the only way he knew how off the camera; so this was not that different to him, except that this didn't feel so frightfully wrong.  After the shooting, everything went by like a dream, so fast he lost pace of what really happened that day, but at some point he'd agreed to go to a bar with the crew to get closer to eachother, or at least he thought that was the reason. So there he sat, between Momotarou and Kiyoshi, squished between his fellow crew members he sipped quietly on the drink he got, but regretted it after as it had a somewhat sour, old  taste to it, if old books had a taste - this was it.  Turns out it was whiskey actually, so he put it down. 

 

" So ! Aiichirou- oh, can i call you that ? ", he just nodded to the female next to him shyly, " Good ! We were all wondering since you seem to be so shy, what did you study at University ? ", Kiyoshi asked curiously looking at him with her red eyes. " Oh I, uhm, i didn't manage to finish my course because i needed to help out my family-- but uh, i studied Screenwriting and TV . It was really interesting but, maybe i wasn't so good at it as i remembered, haha.. ",he trailed off so open-endedly that another member chimed in instead. " Well, still, i bet you good at it if you were accepted ! right ?  Better than finishing in Chemical Engineering and ending up as an Actor ! I mean, i like this job but i was so set on science i couldn't have seen myself like this, haha ", a black-haired male joked, ai couldn't place his name quite, bt he assumed that was...Akihiko ? No, Akihito. 

That's right ! Aiichirou just smiled, " I guess so, even so, i couldn't see myself having a career in that either ", he hummed as he played with his glass. Kiyoshi looked at him, " Do you not like the drink ? ", she frowned, worriedly. " No, the drink is okay, i'm afraid i'm just a bit of a lightweight when it comes to alcohol...so i don't really drink often ",he wasn't really lying, he could handle wine, but, didn't drink so consistently anyway.  " Really ? wow, you're just like Mako ! ", she cheered as she hit the other member's back harshly.   Aiichirou looked around the table, there were quite a few people here actually, and he didn't know most of them. 

 

" Oh, err, i'm not so good with names so could maybe, everyone re-introduce themselves..? ",he spoke up among the chatter. The others did just that, so now there was no confusion and they could enjoy the evening.  " Thank you, i'm not so used to being around this many people ", he admited shyly, scratching his cheek somewhat before downing the rest of his drink. He always seemed more open after he got a bit tipsy anyway..

 

After a few more drinks, and that means about 5 or so, Aiichirou's head started to pound, a few of the crew members were mingling on the floor as he sat still at the table, checking his phone it was found to be 10 at night, he shakily called up an old friend, " ... Hey, Nagisa could you come get me ? I'm at the flamingo bar downtown... yes it's uhrg, i had a bit too much i guess... okay thank you.. ",he mumbled before clutching his forehead and grabbing his jacket from the seats as well as his bag, going outside to wait for his friend. As the cool air hit his face, he realised he was somewhat content in actuality.  Until he was him.  Sousuke. He peeked down at his phone, clearly trying to ignore him in such a state - he might say something or whatever. It doesn't matter although, as their eyes met when he'd glanced up. 

He spoke in such a deep voice, " Nitori .. ? ", almost like if he saw a ghost, " What are you doing here ?  I thought you- ".  " I'm not going to do this, I-i can't ", Aiichirou mumbled hurriedly as he saw Nagisa's car in the distance on the road, vomit stewing in his throat as if it were about to spill at a heartbeat.  Suddenly, and out of the blue even, another boy came up and clung to the other's arm, and at this moment he looked down again, texting nagisa to hurry up already.  " What are you doing Sou-- Oh ! Hey it's that actor ! " , he chirped, and it strangely almost reminded Aiichirou of his younger self, the one that wasn't so tired of being heartbroken and weighed down by his past actions, the sight made him gulp, acid stinging his throat and heart banging down the door of his chest, so loudly he could hardly believe what he heard next. " I'm just talking to an old friend, honey ", in that moment, he couldn't have been more thankful for his earlier text as Nagisa pulled up and he rushed to the car, sitting in the front seat and not looking out the window, " Step on it, I don't want to be here anymore-- ",he groaned as his best friend looked over to the window and understood without a word, driving off as leaving a stunned Sousuke outside. 

 

The next moments were full of silence in the car, apart from the car radio playing some sad song or whatever, " So.. after not calling me for a week, you need me to pick you up and rescue you, huh ? ", Nagisa joked as he parked the car in the side of the road. " What's going on, Ai ? ", he frowned, turning off the radio.  the only thing Aiichirou could do was spill the metaphorical beans, " I don't know what to do ! I hate this, Nagisa ! At first i knew it was my fault but then, i saw him at the the bar so suddenly and this, this-- lookalike just clinging to his arm and, just-- ", he let out a whimper, " I thought i could handle myself better ! I feel like crap right now, hoestly.. ",he looked at his friend who only nodded and got out the car before opening the door for him, " Stay here tonight. I'll let Rei know, he won't mind, come on. ",he dragged him inside the home. Nagisa didn't waste time in helping Aiichirou throw up all the drinks and food he'd have through the day before running him a bath and a change of clothes, " Just relax, okay ? And just shout my name if you need someone okay ? You reek of alcohol so just wash off : you'll feel better. ", he promised as he went off to find , presumably, Rei. 

 

 

And Ai did just that, stripping and relazing in the tub as he scrubbed himself lazily, and dipping his hair in the water, not bothering to wash it properly. He stayed in until the water cooled, and then dried off with a towel from the cabinet under the sink, and throwing on some of Nagisa's clothes.  He dried his hair with a towel before folding up his alcohol-reeking clothes and putting it into his bag, taking a seat in the kitchen/living room he waited for Nagisa to return. and soon he did, moments after Nagisa came to him, " You're fine on the couch, right ? i'll get you a blanket and an old plastic bucket from somewhere if you needed to throw up or something. ", he could only nod as he was soon asleep anyway, Nagisa tucking him in and leaving some water by the side and some aspirin. 

 

The blonde could ony hope that his friend felt better in the morning..

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> gahh i really regret writing this fic now, just because i hate how i write but i wanted to finish this haha,,


End file.
